As I View Birth

So, my sister finally had her baby on the 18th (not under the best of circumstances, though I don't know how exactly that factors in). For me, and, I think, for some (if not many) preferential adopters (at least the young ones among us), being anywhere near pregnancy and birth is just. so. not. fun. I've tried to make the best of it, or at least, to hide the worst of my self-centered angst from my sister and the family, to just get down with the party, and to be happy (again, under the circumstances, which I don't care to go into at the moment).

It's not been easy.


I've been immature sometimes, at least in my head.

I've avoided making possibly superfluous connections to genetics (and this I stand by--somewhat--he is, after all, a baby, and they kind of all look similar), even while everyone else was reveling in the fun of "did he get E's gas?" and "did he get J's hairy back?", etc.

And yet, I think, as I sit here in the airport during the third hour in what will surely be many hours of delays, maybe this is a good experience (well to be fair, I've tried to think before, and it hasn't worked that well). Perhaps this is something that will make me stronger. I am seeing birth, and you know what? Maybe it's actually fortunate for me that I've been privileged (in some morbid way) to see conception, pregnancy, and birth under less-than-ideal circumstances (as "less-than-ideal circumstances" is generally how we idealize the process of making an adoption plan).

I've seen--no--I SEE my sister sit and cry over the culmination of the pregnancy that she did not want to bring to term.

I see the incredible depth of love that, despite any past context, can and will not be made shallower.

I see her look at herself in him.

I see her hope for herself in him.

I see her despair for herself in him.

I see her look for her own faults in him.

I see her look for her own weaknesses in him.

I see her look for the strength of her partner in him.

I see her fear the possibility that the flaws of her partner will rise in him.

I see her know that this is, perhaps because of and perhaps despite the influences of both the self and the partner she looks for in her child, a brand new human being.

I see her contentment as she breathes him in.

I hear her say, "you are a new person."

I see her take ownership (for lack of a better word) for this being. I hear her say, "you are mine."

I see her take responsibility for her child.

I see her hope her partner will take equal responsibility for their child.

I see someone who is still unsure of her love for herself.

I see someone who is not unsure of her love for her child.

I see her, in a change that only took one moment, decide to choose her child over her partner, and decide to choose her child over herself.

I see her who looks for a balance between her own happiness and that of her child, when those needs conflict, and errs on the side of her child when they do.

I see her sadden and brighten, at different moments, when she looks at her son.

I see the incredible array of emotions that co-exist in her heart, and see that love, distilled from all of these varying emotions, is the emotion that she holds toward her child.

I see how intractable (and I'm not trying to decipher or question the reasons, here) the tendency of our society is to look, and to find hope, despair, and fear, in the eyes, the face, the actions of those whom something so obvious and tangible as the process of conception, pregnancy, and birth connects.

Although this is, still, not something I desire to engage in, I hope, and hope sincerely and humbly, that seeing and being a part of this will help me be a better adoptive parent.

*I realize as I look over this that the statements are, indeed, all *I* statements. *I* am not my sister, her partner, or her child. *I* realize that my observations will always be tinged with *my* own emotions. *I* hope you understand.*

muy personal--the prestige of adoption

Perhaps it is just not knowing when to stop analyzing, questioning, etc. Yet, in the interest of fully-examining what looks to be the biggest choice in my life, I need to press myself to examine the "prestige" involved in the choice to adopt.

Frankly, I am not sure what to say about this. As my first and only choice in family formation--a choice made not via infertility, or other concerns, I think the problem of prestige concerns me more than it might need to concern others (or, perhaps I just concern myself with it more than others?).

During the course of a private conversation the other day, the person I was conversing with made mention of the idea that I was adopting for the prestige of it. In fact, this was not said in malice, but in quite a matter-of-fact manner. The idea has been a huge slug in the gut since that time.

I mean, do I adopt for the same reason I persevered in attending an Ivy League school? My first instinct is to say that, in fact, the two can't be compared. And, oddly enough, I have been far enough out of touch with pop culture to be ignorant of the situations of Angelina Jolie, the Kidman-Cruises, until far after I effectively made my decision to consider myself a preferential adopter.

Yet, like any good monster in the closet, the idea that "Oh my goodness, what if I really AM doing it for the 'prestige' of it all, and don't know it?" continues to haunt me. Perhaps it is anxiety (chronic sufferer here!), but perhaps it is.....?

Any insight into the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Fate versus Choice

On the order of a post I read today from Heart, Mind, and Seoul, I continue to think about (and, indeed, be prompted to think about) exactly why adoptive parents make the choices that they do. Within the course of the post, the author elucidated the prominent modes of thought that equate birth/firstparents to the concept of "choice," and adoptive parents to the concept of "God's will," "fate," etc. To the author, and indeed to me, these equations do not work very well--especially, for my purposes, the equation of adoptive parents to circumstances beyond their control/choice. Claiming God's will, fate, or even just emotions or feelings to the choice to adopt really seems to relieve adoptive parents of the responsibility for the analysis of their own choices.

The choice to pursue adoption, and indeed to pursue it as a singular method of creating a family, is not, and should not be, a decisions made lightly. On that note, creating a family at all should not be an lightly-made decision. Yet, especially in the case of the Adoption Knot, the choices involved in forming a family must be conducted with gravity, humility, ethics, and, dare I say? Analytical introspection. Perhaps not devoid of an acceptance of the idea that spirituality can serve as a guiding tool--but emphasizing that spirituality is but one tool in a process of choice.

Apart from spirituality, the emphasis on fate (as opposed to choice--and I'm beginning to see them as a bit more opposed than I did, previously) also, if not exactly in the same terms, seems to me to relieve adoptive parents of the responsibility for an analysis of choices that they themselves make.

Apologies for the incoherence. Not currently on the ADD meds...and it's starting to show. ;)

On the order of yesterday's post...

...I think that investigating, considering, or even hearing the points of view of other members of the Adoption Knot (also known as "the Gordian knot that is adoption") is so tough for so many adoptive parents to engage for many reasons. I think that one of these reasons is simply because, as I felt in my post yesterday (though I admit I didn't convey my confusion very well), admitting that adoption is complicated and oftentimes confusing (and oftentimes downright shady) tests the resolve and the ethics of the aparents involved. To date, nothing has shaken me more than seeing the writings of first parents and adoptees. Although I've come up with the same answer--that adoption is appropriate for me--the thing to note is that attempting to really listen has caused me to reconsider (over and over!) my choice. Most people don't want to do that (especially after they've already done the deed). The last thing they want to navigate is grief on behalf of their child (and hopefully that child's natural family) and possible (if perhaps mis-placed) guilt over what they have already done/are planning on doing in order to have a family.

Personal: Adoption: It's for LIFE, People.....

I do think that adopting from some place like Haiti or smth where the kids have a 98% guarantee at a horrible life and death before reaching adulthood (however stunted that adulthood may be) has its merits, bc in reality the situation IS so much worse there than here (in very basic, bottom of Maslow's pyramid, terms). And I really think that, for all the moralizing that the US govt and even Americans in general do, they sure don't live up to it.

I personally could give a shit if, I dunno, cutting the necks off sweatshirts becomes popular bc some tv character did it--but KIDS? This is serious business, people! And yes, many people do adopt internationally because of more lax processing. This is good and its bad. One the one hand, they let way too many people through with Intl Adoption. I've MET some of the crazies that have adopted from China, and I do not believe that SO many of them are in ANY way educated (or some of them even capable) about handling interracial adoption, adoption in general, etc.

I honestly don't think that this is my personal bias speaking here, but I have been observing pretty closely Yahoo groups (not that these are totally representative, but with like 17000 members on "Adoptive Parents- China", I think its a pretty good sample), and I really feel like first--the Asian Moms (and Dads) by Choice and African American Parents Adopting Ethiopian Children are the best group of people w/ regards to adoption. They just GET IT in a way that so few people do (not even me to some extent-I will ALWAYS lack the lived experience, no matter how much I try to educate/understand stuff).

Secondly, the First Adopt (people who do not plan to have any bio children) group is pretty damn good, considering there's only like 1 non-Caucasian person, and like 2 Caucasian people w/ non-Caucasian husbands. It reads much more like since they've made this choice not out of infertility, and bc they've committed their lives to it consciously, they've thought about what they're doing to an extent that most infertile or bio/adopted mixed families just haven't felt the need to. The FA group, oddly enough, isn't a religious group. Again, it seems like kind of an anomaly, but the FAers *seem* to be a lot less sentimental/holier-than-thou about their choice (on some level I think its bc most of us have gotten so much shit about it-even from religious fanatics and esp from neo-cons).

Behind that is the Transracial adoption group (mainly Caucasian parents of Black children) and Adoption Haircare (again mainly Caucasian parents who support each other and find resources for dealing w/ Black hair issues). W/ the Transracial group you get a lot of preachy praying stuff for some reason, many times looking at themselves like some pinnacle of righteousness for taking a "heathen AND Black AND parentless AND ..." kid into "their" home.

OMIGOD that was, by the way, where I read about that family in Idaho who met each other "after living lives of "sin"" and "couldn't have a child together" and even though they had 3 kids each(!) coming into the marriage, decided to adopt 4 Hatian infants within like one year of each other. Oh and they're also the people who just wouldn't shut up about how children can be taught to work from a very early age (not disputing this in thoery, but the way they went about it was just creepy). I am just plain worried about those little boys. Did you know they live like right around the ex(it went bankrupt)-headquarters of the American Nazi Party???????

Would have thought otherwise w/ the transracial group, but that's what it seemed like.

The haircare group is actually pretty good, although (and this is just me talking-so take it ALL w/ a grain of salt) the limited scope of conversation (really keeps to hair only) tends to stunt possibilities for discussion and understanding in other areas-which could be really beneficial to all.

The Adoptive Parents China group lags like waaaay behind any of these groups even, and is definitely the kind of sounding board for stupid people of all types. There have been *heated* discussions as to whether Asian-American culture even exists on this board, and I have seen soooo many people's introductions start out with "After 5 rounds of invitro in 3 years, the DH (dear husband) and I started looking into adoption." Ugh.

There are many reasons that people seek international adoption, and there are many reasons that people seek out China. The adoption process is a wild and crazy rollercoaster ride, and many people admittedly look to China because it is so regimented. Also, especially in the beginning, there was the popular idea that if girls aren't adopted, they'll be killed, and that "they throw girls away over there". Also in the mix is the idea that, if you adopt internationally, and from China especially, where so many children are found in public places without identifying information, you will never have to deal with "the birthparent problem".

If you read (last?) Sunday's NY Times article, there is the quote about "African-American women coming and asking for their children back" I mean, what a crock of shit first of all. Very few children are "repo-ed" in the USA or elsewhere. Secondly, it has been shown that children who have any degree of openness and information about their birthparents grow up much much more well-adjusted. There is no wondering who/where/what/why/and even sometimes WHEN (many Chinese children aren't aware of their true birthdate, even). Open adoptions are generally best for all involved, ESP the children, who need desperately to know the connection that "everybody else" seems to have. Also, knowing the birhtparents can prevent a lot of hard feelings toward adoptive parents later in life.

Many people choose China because they are worried about corruption in other places (esp Africa and private adoptions in the USA), or indeed because of the model minority stereotype that Asian children in general are subject to. Funny thing is that:

a) China is also kind of corrupt-the laws generally make it so. International adoptions usually only take place with orphanages that have money anyway, and the orphanages without any money, those who could desperately use the 3000 that American parents are required to pay in cash to the orphanage, are never seen. And, because of regulations (I'm sure probably well-intentioned), children cannot be transferred between orphanages--so the poor orphanages can't export their children to the larger ones. In addition, by the time children are adopted, many have already died. Many kids come to Chinese orphanages within weeks or even days of being born. Many of these children then die of preventable conditions related more to the availability of a sole caretaker, and not from disease and/or malnourishment (The aiyis work hard, but usually the is just not enough attention that can be given! Think about how long it takes for human babies to become capable of physical self-defense--YEARS! Humans are born one at a time, I surmise, so that they can have one-on-one protection and care!), and yet the average age of Chinese children adopted internationall is about 10-12 months old.
That system, while easy for Americans to deal with, is by no means perfect (it may not even be the best! LOL).

b) Regarding the model minority stereotype, if we had two brain cells to rub together, we would realize that kids are kids. They're not generally clean, obedient, studius, or respectful unless YOU teach them to be (and even then! Look at my brother!). And funny thing--adopted children who appear "perfect," generally appear so bc of clinically-diagnosable problems, generally relating to FEAR. Stories from adoptees are rife with the idea that they had to be perfect, lest they be "sent back" and abandoned yet again by their parents. And those adoptive parents who just look on at their Asian child, reveling in their wisdom re: adopting a "model minority"? They are generally only making the problem worse. Much worse. What a shitty self-fulfilling prophecy.

With all that said, I do think that there are other, more palateable reasons that people adopt from China. Some people are of Chinese ethnic heritage, or grew up in China, or speak Chinese, or have an overwhelming love for Chinese culture that they do not feel about other cultures. And while I would discourage parents to think or even look for "inherently Chinese" traits in their child, I do believe, as I was told once, that an adoptive parent must first love the birth culture of their child, so that they may keep it alive without any resistance, and so that they can make the child's birth and birth culture a source of family bonding, instead of an alientating force in the child's life.

For me, I insist on being well-versed in the culture and preferably language of my child's birth culture. That means that adopting from China (though it is important to note that not all children adopted from China are ethnically Chinese!) is a much more pragmatic situation. I can rest assured that my child will go to college, and instead of blushing and stammering when inquired about language ability by other ethnically-Chinese students, they will say "Yep (or WO YIDING HUI!)". That feels good (not that it is right-but it is something that I've heard a lot about from adult adoptees).

Related to this is my spouse. Should I decide to parent children with a man of X heritage, I would be willing and eager to adopt a child of X heritage (I don't know of any heritage that I do not want to learn about or do not think I could love). Should that heritage involve speaking a language I currently do not speak, then I will insist on learning the language along with if not before I adopt my child (this does not mean that I won't teach them the other languages I know, though-only in addition to). Should I go it alone, I will decide then.

Regarding "rainbow families", I don't see a problem with them in and of themselves. I think that they are often created for WAY wrong reasons, and without adequate knowledge of how to support the child's birth culture, or even issues that the parent themselves may have regarding the country/ethnicity/race of the child. I think it requires more planning, thinking, etc.

Celebrities? Celebrities on the whole these days want to make me vomit. Not that they didn't in the past (I don't know, I wasn't around or paying attention then), but the "causes" which they seem to fleetingly espouse are getting more and more serious. Something like global warming or recycling? Fine. Doesn't hurt us to eat organic food or nix the meat. But dogs (referring to the Taco Bell chihuahua thing-that really upset me)? And now children? I mean, I thought it was stupid enough when the celebs all went out producing biological children in such a suspiciously short time frame. And now the adoptive thing starts. Ugh.

You know, it wouldn't even be so bad if the people espousing it were serious, committed a-parents who just happened to be actors/actresses. But they're not. They're serious and committed--but I believe its to their stardom, first and foremost. I am not accusing anyone of reproducing/adopting solely for career purposes (okay, I *would* be accusing them, but I don't care to do enough research to found the accusation on anything), but I AM accusing them of using a "fortuitiously" timed adoption/birth to aid their careers. And I'm not sure I can forgive that.

Does that mean that I think adoption shouldn't get more attention? No. I think it is way underplayed, undervalued, and overly singled out as being "against the norm". Does that mean that I think stars shouldn't adopt? No, although I would be wary of them trying to raise any children at all, in light of their demanding lifestyle, and perhaps moreso, as adopted children, especially transracially adopted children, need more understanding, time, and energy than might the "average" biologically related child.

My biggest concern is the superficiality with which the whole situation is being handled. Indeed, if Jessical Simpleton or Queen Latifah really wants to adopt a child, then by all means, do so. Do it only after considerable contemplation of what having a child, and especially caring for an adopted child, might mean in your life. Do so quietly. Do so sincerely. And do so realizing that this is for life. Not just the rest of your life, but the rest of theirs.

Personal: Adoption: Is she edible or what??

This is really just a gratuitous posting of cute baby pictures. I'm bored (a little) and haven't updated my blog in forever. :P
This is my Yahoo! Group friend Monica Byler. On one of the Yahoo group posts, she wrote (Monica, if you see, this please email and censure me if it's not appropriate to quote you:)!)

May I mention I met a family this week, adopting their daughter in Chengdu...
(Four families, actually, but that's not the point.) This particular family
is speaking to their daughter in...

(drumroll please)...

... I swear I am not making this up.

ELVISH. Like from Lord of the Rings. I guess they figure she'll pick up
English in pre-school??? (and no, you can't tell from the pics on my site
which family it is... hehehe. (if they are on this list and reading this - I
don't mean to be cruel, I just thought it was funny).

take a peek if you like... www.monicabyler.com

Monica in Chengdu
mama to Alana

Yay yay! Today I just feel so wiped out from studying (ha-wish I had gotten something to actually SHOW for my efforts!), I needed a pick-me-up.
Some people play PS2. Some people eat. I dream of adoption.

Cheers,

novella :P