La Novella

Unless you're one heck of an insightful horror fan, you probably don't think of fear as a form of entertainment. At least, I sure don't. But, can I ask, is fear just something else to do? For those of us with ADD/ADHD (or a delightful combo of ADD and anxiety like myself), is fear just another distraction, another thing that sidetracks and holds our attention as we struggle to focus on, well, whatever happens to be the task at hand?

I know that when I'm bored, when I'm not going warp speed, stressed and busy, I get really depressed and anxious (for someone who suffers from anxiety to begin with, the word "really" shouldn't be taken lightly). Ironically, I'm deathly afraid of pausing--no matter how much I whine about wanting a vacation, a slower paced lifestyle, or less personal excitement--lest fear take over. Sure enough, out of the eight weeks of R&R I promised myself after Fulbright, I've spent seven weeks overly scared, overly anxious, and THOROUGHLY bored. Fear has been my only form of entertainment, and baby, I've been simultaneously broadcasting it on the radio, the television, AND the computer 24/7!

I probably shouldn't have been bored these past eight weeks. Most people wouldn't be. I helped with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the birth of a niece. I applied to graduate school and began job hunting (though in this economy, my fears have definitely been validated). I have been caring for my toddler nephew, supporting my sister while her husband is deployed, and trying to help keep my family functioning. Nope, not enough. The fear set in almost immediately, and has the staying power of The Simpsons franchise. While (thank God for ADD) I am easily distracted by other NASTies (New And Shiny Thingies), that never lasts for long. My inability to focus on my Santa-length "To Do" list somehow synergizes with my anxiety and voila! Fear takes over.

Fear is, after all, sort of like having to pee. I can live with it for a while, but I'll bend to its will eventually. When not on medication (and, sometimes, even when on medication),

Also, I'm lazy and I procrastinate (actually I don't think I'm lazy, but my tendency toward extreme procrastination sure comes off that way!). Fear is easy and quick and always on hand to punch myself in the gut with. Cheap and addicting. And for someone who craves stimulation like an ADDer, fear is like non-fat manna from heaven--always good, always lying in wait!

So there you go. I may be addicted to fear for a different reason (brain chemistry), but I'm addicted, just like the rest of you movie-goers!