muy personal--the prestige of adoption

Perhaps it is just not knowing when to stop analyzing, questioning, etc. Yet, in the interest of fully-examining what looks to be the biggest choice in my life, I need to press myself to examine the "prestige" involved in the choice to adopt.

Frankly, I am not sure what to say about this. As my first and only choice in family formation--a choice made not via infertility, or other concerns, I think the problem of prestige concerns me more than it might need to concern others (or, perhaps I just concern myself with it more than others?).

During the course of a private conversation the other day, the person I was conversing with made mention of the idea that I was adopting for the prestige of it. In fact, this was not said in malice, but in quite a matter-of-fact manner. The idea has been a huge slug in the gut since that time.

I mean, do I adopt for the same reason I persevered in attending an Ivy League school? My first instinct is to say that, in fact, the two can't be compared. And, oddly enough, I have been far enough out of touch with pop culture to be ignorant of the situations of Angelina Jolie, the Kidman-Cruises, until far after I effectively made my decision to consider myself a preferential adopter.

Yet, like any good monster in the closet, the idea that "Oh my goodness, what if I really AM doing it for the 'prestige' of it all, and don't know it?" continues to haunt me. Perhaps it is anxiety (chronic sufferer here!), but perhaps it is.....?

Any insight into the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Fate versus Choice

On the order of a post I read today from Heart, Mind, and Seoul, I continue to think about (and, indeed, be prompted to think about) exactly why adoptive parents make the choices that they do. Within the course of the post, the author elucidated the prominent modes of thought that equate birth/firstparents to the concept of "choice," and adoptive parents to the concept of "God's will," "fate," etc. To the author, and indeed to me, these equations do not work very well--especially, for my purposes, the equation of adoptive parents to circumstances beyond their control/choice. Claiming God's will, fate, or even just emotions or feelings to the choice to adopt really seems to relieve adoptive parents of the responsibility for the analysis of their own choices.

The choice to pursue adoption, and indeed to pursue it as a singular method of creating a family, is not, and should not be, a decisions made lightly. On that note, creating a family at all should not be an lightly-made decision. Yet, especially in the case of the Adoption Knot, the choices involved in forming a family must be conducted with gravity, humility, ethics, and, dare I say? Analytical introspection. Perhaps not devoid of an acceptance of the idea that spirituality can serve as a guiding tool--but emphasizing that spirituality is but one tool in a process of choice.

Apart from spirituality, the emphasis on fate (as opposed to choice--and I'm beginning to see them as a bit more opposed than I did, previously) also, if not exactly in the same terms, seems to me to relieve adoptive parents of the responsibility for an analysis of choices that they themselves make.

Apologies for the incoherence. Not currently on the ADD meds...and it's starting to show. ;)

On the order of yesterday's post...

...I think that investigating, considering, or even hearing the points of view of other members of the Adoption Knot (also known as "the Gordian knot that is adoption") is so tough for so many adoptive parents to engage for many reasons. I think that one of these reasons is simply because, as I felt in my post yesterday (though I admit I didn't convey my confusion very well), admitting that adoption is complicated and oftentimes confusing (and oftentimes downright shady) tests the resolve and the ethics of the aparents involved. To date, nothing has shaken me more than seeing the writings of first parents and adoptees. Although I've come up with the same answer--that adoption is appropriate for me--the thing to note is that attempting to really listen has caused me to reconsider (over and over!) my choice. Most people don't want to do that (especially after they've already done the deed). The last thing they want to navigate is grief on behalf of their child (and hopefully that child's natural family) and possible (if perhaps mis-placed) guilt over what they have already done/are planning on doing in order to have a family.

Stopping the bleeding

I read quite a few blogs regularly. It is really important to me to understand as many perspectives of the Gordian knot that is adoption as possible. Yet, it begs some confusion, at times (please bear with me--these thoughts have not been sifted through for palatability).

(these thoughts pertain to domestic adoption, yet I feel can be extrapolated to IA as well)

• First/Natural/Birth mothers (and perhaps, I hope, fathers) overwhelmingly desire to parent their children.
• Copious amounts of manipulation and corruption take place on both an institutional level AND on an individual, person-to-person level to deprive (yes, deprive) Natural Mothers of the children that they bear.
• There obviously needs to be an uncompromising insistence on ethics in adoption.
• This would (very plausibly) mean that far fewer children would be "available" for adoption. And that should be OKAY.
  
• There are still children who do not have (and I sincerely believe would be better off with) parents, even if because of the manipulation, corruption, social stigmas, poverty, etc, etc, on both institutional and individual levels.
  

I read once the opinion that adoption was merely a "band-aid solution." I will admit that, at first, I balked. I was very comfortable reading only happy happy adoption travel blogs (okay, I still eat those up like twinkies!), and very comfortable in the idea that, especially as a preferential adopter, I was participating in a sort of "solution" to one of the world's ills. I was, somehow "doing my part." And, maybe I am.

Yet, after more research (much of which underscores the bullets listed above), I certainly can't see my adoption as a direct part of the solution. I guess, now, especially after the impact of so many firstparent, adoptee, adoptee/adoptive parent, and adoptive parent (those forward-thinking souls and some of the less-glowing examples, alike) writings, I persist in seeing my role in adoption (a non-adopted, White preferential adopter) as, at least, a sort of triage--a band-aid. At the risk of sounding trite, symptoms of the ill (the ill being, I suppose, the institutional and social (and other??) reasons first parents are deprived of the experience of raising their birthed children), the tragedy, that creates the situation of adoption still exist. And multi-tasking is a must. I do hope to devote myself as passionately and humbly as possible to directly addressing the ill, as well as, through my own adoption, which I am committed to (and committed to handling/living in an ethical manner), conducting "triage," for as long as it need be conducted.