Personal: Rants: Do AA Men Prefer Blondes?

...hell I don't know. But I'm pretty sure they don't prefer chubby redheads.

The article, Do AA Men Prefer Blonde Strippers in Rice & Times by Hiram Lee-Gonzalez really got me thinking. In the article, Lee-Gonzalez disects some of the ways and why's of beauty. He brushes the cross-cultural aspect of beauty nicely (for the length of the article), noting beauty standards in different parts of the world--beauty standards that we, as Americans, will probably never experience. Lee-Gonzalez also takes a critical look at what he sees as a propensity for AA men to prefer tall, thin blonde (White) women over other types, even if the others may also (or even more so) aesthetically pleasing, were the man not confronted with the choice.
I really do like the points that Lee-Gonzalez makes, and on a sort of an intellectual, non-personal level, I really do embrace what seems to be his main point. Namely, "...we Asian-American men must also choose Asian-American women over white women--even blondes. ...Only then will we be in a position to ask Asian-American women to choose us over white men."
As I said, on a non-personal level, this is a wonderful thought. However (and here's where the "Rants" part of my heading comes in), isn't that, while productive in the short-run, quite stifling in the long-run?
Now, I know there are many, many people who would disagree, and see nothing wrong with unity in a self-defined community (in this case the Asian-American community). Neither do I. Yet, it seems that such a strict sense of unity may not only create a stronger community, but, when a blanket statement is made proscribing inter-community love, stifle the possibilities of building progressively larger communities?
Lee-Gonzalez quotes Shakespeare, saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I couldn't agree more. As a confirmed EOD (Equal Opportunity Dater), I have much love for all kinds of people (and not just the "hot kind"). And it may just be because I want a date, but I do believe that fetishizing love for those outside any identity label really can propagate fetishes. Still amidst a complicated situation with a PRC guy, I have experienced first-hand (what I perceive as) a White-woman fetish. I suppose I never thought (as I don't fit into the tall, thin, blonde category AT ALL) that I could be the "flavor of the month." Turns out, I was the flavor of a lifetime (PM me if you must ask how I know!). He really wanted to be with a White woman, and overlooked severe differences in values, personality, etc, to be with me (I'm definitely to blame, too, though. Love is not only blind, it's just freaking unperceptive at times). Hence, my pre-existing belief that AA male love for the beauty of their AA female (or male!) counterparts must be both normalized and "ideal" (though perhaps not idealized), has been further confirmed. BUT, that doesn't change my position. I'm (becoming!) single again, but I'm still a chubby redhead. I'm pretty open to the identity of my prospective partner, but I'm not stupid. I thank Lee-Gonzalez, but I have always known that AA men prefer blondes. And personally, I don't think that telling AA men that, in order for AA women to find them attractive, they must solely form relationships with AA women over relationships with White women. Maybe its just selfish, but I'd like a date too. I'm quite a funny, intelligent, and kind person, and for all the self-deprecating humor I engage in, I'm not half bad looking. ;)
This probably made no sense and I'll edit it when I have time. For now, please take it with a grain of salt, and realize that, while I come at this from a level that might seem trite, I do believe it has some deeper implications.
Personally, I like the Lee-Gonzalez' write-up on the Maasai. The word for beauty in Maasai culture is the same as the word for morality. Now, that could mean that ugly people are treated as immoral, but I'd like to think it means that beauty is seen as emanating from within.
Cheers.

Personal: I never thought a song I didn't actually understand could be ruined.

Okay, so my Chinese is okay, and I probably *could* understand the song if I wanted to, but I've never taken the time. Although I listen to this song on a daily basis, its still Greek/Chinese to me. But who cares? Its kiiinda ruined now.
It used to make me just wistful. I listened to this song like ALL the time when the dh and I lived in that summer sublet in C-town a few years ago. 2 years, now.
I have all these memories of being really excited to cook for him. I was slightly disappointed that he wasn't in there cooking with me, but put that aside. Crap, seems like when you look back on things, hindsight just looks a lot dirtier in the rearview mirror. I'm lonely. And I can't stand that song. Like I said, it reminds me of dinner (HA- looking at my figure, you can see that, while the song was ruined, dinner certainly wasn't!). Reminds me of cooking, barefoot on the linoleum, crouching bc it was an attic apartment. Reminds me of the wok hot and splashing grease on me when I got too into humming the music and didn't pay attention. Reminds me of the little CD player, probably the most valuable thing my grandfather had to leave (besides the 87' Land Yacht-my aunt got that), all covered with grease bc the dh didn't want to put his stuff up there, but still pumping along. I really quit listening to American music that summer. Haven't taken it up since, really. I force myself to download some old stuff I know I love, but I don't know any of the songs on the radio anymore. I just remember being like eye-level with the birds and the top of a big old tree (decidious, that's all I remember! I can tell a fir from a spruce from a doug fir from a..., but not the ones that lose their leaves-those are all the same, lol). Really happy bc it would start to cool down, and then I would make dinner. Lol as I'm sitting here thinking about it, it dawns on me that I still didn't know what my dh did with all that time. I got up at the butt crack of dawn, went to open the lab for work, then to classes, then back to work, then home to cook, and then, if I could pull myself away, to do the dishes and the homework. He worked out. I think. But no hard feelings. I foist so much on myself, and he was getting his money for free, anyway (gotta love phd programs). I remember the smell of olive oil, garlic, szechuan flower pepper, edamame, shrimp, and sound and smell of boiling white rice. I don't know. Looking back, I don't remember being content. I remember feeling excited, happy, *wishing* but knowing the situation wouldn't always be like this. I just kind of chopped and salted and stirfried and danced around the kitchen, gurgling with a giggle that wasn't forced, but that I knew wouldn't last. I remember secretly thinking that I would chao the best maodou xia that he would be so happy and horny (ugh, the two are sometimes synonymous to me at times, especially when it comes to food! Thanks Nona, Nono, y Zia Doug!) that I would actually get laid, or better yet, . I guess I remember the situation being tacitly tenuous, that's what I remember. Ha, how clinical. I remember fighting the feeling of being let down. I fought it successfully. Eventually I was let down (or realized I had always been let down). But, it was a great summer.

The song, if you were wondering, is "Aide Jiushi Ni" by Wang Leehom. Oddly poppy song for the mix of feelings it evokes.

Personal: Adoption: It's for LIFE, People.....

I do think that adopting from some place like Haiti or smth where the kids have a 98% guarantee at a horrible life and death before reaching adulthood (however stunted that adulthood may be) has its merits, bc in reality the situation IS so much worse there than here (in very basic, bottom of Maslow's pyramid, terms). And I really think that, for all the moralizing that the US govt and even Americans in general do, they sure don't live up to it.

I personally could give a shit if, I dunno, cutting the necks off sweatshirts becomes popular bc some tv character did it--but KIDS? This is serious business, people! And yes, many people do adopt internationally because of more lax processing. This is good and its bad. One the one hand, they let way too many people through with Intl Adoption. I've MET some of the crazies that have adopted from China, and I do not believe that SO many of them are in ANY way educated (or some of them even capable) about handling interracial adoption, adoption in general, etc.

I honestly don't think that this is my personal bias speaking here, but I have been observing pretty closely Yahoo groups (not that these are totally representative, but with like 17000 members on "Adoptive Parents- China", I think its a pretty good sample), and I really feel like first--the Asian Moms (and Dads) by Choice and African American Parents Adopting Ethiopian Children are the best group of people w/ regards to adoption. They just GET IT in a way that so few people do (not even me to some extent-I will ALWAYS lack the lived experience, no matter how much I try to educate/understand stuff).

Secondly, the First Adopt (people who do not plan to have any bio children) group is pretty damn good, considering there's only like 1 non-Caucasian person, and like 2 Caucasian people w/ non-Caucasian husbands. It reads much more like since they've made this choice not out of infertility, and bc they've committed their lives to it consciously, they've thought about what they're doing to an extent that most infertile or bio/adopted mixed families just haven't felt the need to. The FA group, oddly enough, isn't a religious group. Again, it seems like kind of an anomaly, but the FAers *seem* to be a lot less sentimental/holier-than-thou about their choice (on some level I think its bc most of us have gotten so much shit about it-even from religious fanatics and esp from neo-cons).

Behind that is the Transracial adoption group (mainly Caucasian parents of Black children) and Adoption Haircare (again mainly Caucasian parents who support each other and find resources for dealing w/ Black hair issues). W/ the Transracial group you get a lot of preachy praying stuff for some reason, many times looking at themselves like some pinnacle of righteousness for taking a "heathen AND Black AND parentless AND ..." kid into "their" home.

OMIGOD that was, by the way, where I read about that family in Idaho who met each other "after living lives of "sin"" and "couldn't have a child together" and even though they had 3 kids each(!) coming into the marriage, decided to adopt 4 Hatian infants within like one year of each other. Oh and they're also the people who just wouldn't shut up about how children can be taught to work from a very early age (not disputing this in thoery, but the way they went about it was just creepy). I am just plain worried about those little boys. Did you know they live like right around the ex(it went bankrupt)-headquarters of the American Nazi Party???????

Would have thought otherwise w/ the transracial group, but that's what it seemed like.

The haircare group is actually pretty good, although (and this is just me talking-so take it ALL w/ a grain of salt) the limited scope of conversation (really keeps to hair only) tends to stunt possibilities for discussion and understanding in other areas-which could be really beneficial to all.

The Adoptive Parents China group lags like waaaay behind any of these groups even, and is definitely the kind of sounding board for stupid people of all types. There have been *heated* discussions as to whether Asian-American culture even exists on this board, and I have seen soooo many people's introductions start out with "After 5 rounds of invitro in 3 years, the DH (dear husband) and I started looking into adoption." Ugh.

There are many reasons that people seek international adoption, and there are many reasons that people seek out China. The adoption process is a wild and crazy rollercoaster ride, and many people admittedly look to China because it is so regimented. Also, especially in the beginning, there was the popular idea that if girls aren't adopted, they'll be killed, and that "they throw girls away over there". Also in the mix is the idea that, if you adopt internationally, and from China especially, where so many children are found in public places without identifying information, you will never have to deal with "the birthparent problem".

If you read (last?) Sunday's NY Times article, there is the quote about "African-American women coming and asking for their children back" I mean, what a crock of shit first of all. Very few children are "repo-ed" in the USA or elsewhere. Secondly, it has been shown that children who have any degree of openness and information about their birthparents grow up much much more well-adjusted. There is no wondering who/where/what/why/and even sometimes WHEN (many Chinese children aren't aware of their true birthdate, even). Open adoptions are generally best for all involved, ESP the children, who need desperately to know the connection that "everybody else" seems to have. Also, knowing the birhtparents can prevent a lot of hard feelings toward adoptive parents later in life.

Many people choose China because they are worried about corruption in other places (esp Africa and private adoptions in the USA), or indeed because of the model minority stereotype that Asian children in general are subject to. Funny thing is that:

a) China is also kind of corrupt-the laws generally make it so. International adoptions usually only take place with orphanages that have money anyway, and the orphanages without any money, those who could desperately use the 3000 that American parents are required to pay in cash to the orphanage, are never seen. And, because of regulations (I'm sure probably well-intentioned), children cannot be transferred between orphanages--so the poor orphanages can't export their children to the larger ones. In addition, by the time children are adopted, many have already died. Many kids come to Chinese orphanages within weeks or even days of being born. Many of these children then die of preventable conditions related more to the availability of a sole caretaker, and not from disease and/or malnourishment (The aiyis work hard, but usually the is just not enough attention that can be given! Think about how long it takes for human babies to become capable of physical self-defense--YEARS! Humans are born one at a time, I surmise, so that they can have one-on-one protection and care!), and yet the average age of Chinese children adopted internationall is about 10-12 months old.
That system, while easy for Americans to deal with, is by no means perfect (it may not even be the best! LOL).

b) Regarding the model minority stereotype, if we had two brain cells to rub together, we would realize that kids are kids. They're not generally clean, obedient, studius, or respectful unless YOU teach them to be (and even then! Look at my brother!). And funny thing--adopted children who appear "perfect," generally appear so bc of clinically-diagnosable problems, generally relating to FEAR. Stories from adoptees are rife with the idea that they had to be perfect, lest they be "sent back" and abandoned yet again by their parents. And those adoptive parents who just look on at their Asian child, reveling in their wisdom re: adopting a "model minority"? They are generally only making the problem worse. Much worse. What a shitty self-fulfilling prophecy.

With all that said, I do think that there are other, more palateable reasons that people adopt from China. Some people are of Chinese ethnic heritage, or grew up in China, or speak Chinese, or have an overwhelming love for Chinese culture that they do not feel about other cultures. And while I would discourage parents to think or even look for "inherently Chinese" traits in their child, I do believe, as I was told once, that an adoptive parent must first love the birth culture of their child, so that they may keep it alive without any resistance, and so that they can make the child's birth and birth culture a source of family bonding, instead of an alientating force in the child's life.

For me, I insist on being well-versed in the culture and preferably language of my child's birth culture. That means that adopting from China (though it is important to note that not all children adopted from China are ethnically Chinese!) is a much more pragmatic situation. I can rest assured that my child will go to college, and instead of blushing and stammering when inquired about language ability by other ethnically-Chinese students, they will say "Yep (or WO YIDING HUI!)". That feels good (not that it is right-but it is something that I've heard a lot about from adult adoptees).

Related to this is my spouse. Should I decide to parent children with a man of X heritage, I would be willing and eager to adopt a child of X heritage (I don't know of any heritage that I do not want to learn about or do not think I could love). Should that heritage involve speaking a language I currently do not speak, then I will insist on learning the language along with if not before I adopt my child (this does not mean that I won't teach them the other languages I know, though-only in addition to). Should I go it alone, I will decide then.

Regarding "rainbow families", I don't see a problem with them in and of themselves. I think that they are often created for WAY wrong reasons, and without adequate knowledge of how to support the child's birth culture, or even issues that the parent themselves may have regarding the country/ethnicity/race of the child. I think it requires more planning, thinking, etc.

Celebrities? Celebrities on the whole these days want to make me vomit. Not that they didn't in the past (I don't know, I wasn't around or paying attention then), but the "causes" which they seem to fleetingly espouse are getting more and more serious. Something like global warming or recycling? Fine. Doesn't hurt us to eat organic food or nix the meat. But dogs (referring to the Taco Bell chihuahua thing-that really upset me)? And now children? I mean, I thought it was stupid enough when the celebs all went out producing biological children in such a suspiciously short time frame. And now the adoptive thing starts. Ugh.

You know, it wouldn't even be so bad if the people espousing it were serious, committed a-parents who just happened to be actors/actresses. But they're not. They're serious and committed--but I believe its to their stardom, first and foremost. I am not accusing anyone of reproducing/adopting solely for career purposes (okay, I *would* be accusing them, but I don't care to do enough research to found the accusation on anything), but I AM accusing them of using a "fortuitiously" timed adoption/birth to aid their careers. And I'm not sure I can forgive that.

Does that mean that I think adoption shouldn't get more attention? No. I think it is way underplayed, undervalued, and overly singled out as being "against the norm". Does that mean that I think stars shouldn't adopt? No, although I would be wary of them trying to raise any children at all, in light of their demanding lifestyle, and perhaps moreso, as adopted children, especially transracially adopted children, need more understanding, time, and energy than might the "average" biologically related child.

My biggest concern is the superficiality with which the whole situation is being handled. Indeed, if Jessical Simpleton or Queen Latifah really wants to adopt a child, then by all means, do so. Do it only after considerable contemplation of what having a child, and especially caring for an adopted child, might mean in your life. Do so quietly. Do so sincerely. And do so realizing that this is for life. Not just the rest of your life, but the rest of theirs.

Personal: Family (sorta): Rambling

The above is the view from the library where I'm sitting. Modern technology. Can't believe its true.... :-P

Seems like whenver I do something really bold and risky, just daring fate to get me, nothing much happens. Something like lifting soil however...and all hell breaks loose. Forever regretting the things I didn't have a chance to think about regretting in the first place... lol

Ugh, I'm swamped. Going to Washington DC this weekend for a conference which I know is probably a really really bad idea because I have tests and projects due en masse next week. But hey. I know I should have said no and I didn't, so dou guai wo ziji....

You know its funny I'm always hearing about people who, having dated and/or lived together or years or not, when they marry they still look at their spouse and think "Who the hell did I marry!?" I'm not really sure the appropriate time frame in which that's supposed to happen. But it's been happening here for over two years now. Sometimes I just look at my husband and think "Wow, maybe China really does have UFO's--here's one right here!" (lol ask me later for my take on Chinese alien sightings.... :-P) True, we only dated for a few months before we got married (and even then we didn't start living together for another six months--long boring story), but I have never yet looked at him and thought reassuringly, "this man is human." My mind is always wandering (oops-sorry for being so weird--it's a bad habit but haven't found a support group for THAT yet ;-P), and thinking "Maybe he was my son in a past life...or maybe he was a labrador retriever?" Grounds for divorce? Maybe not. Grounds for committment? More likely. Grounds for juicy blogs? Probably (though I don't have the time to write as much as I'd like).

Well I have written about absolutely nothing, and I'm quite embarrassed. Don't ask me why, but I'm posting this anyway! :-l

Wish me luck on my performance in DC!

Personal: Just Checking In

Yep...just checking in...the DH is going through a big 'ol crazy-time...he doesn't know what to do with his life, and it's getting in the way of mine!! Do I sound selfish? Perhaps I am, a little. Problem is, I'm in school too, and I am now 30hrs BEHIND in my reading...mostly from taking time to fight w/ his a$$ (and taking care of a sick friend, but that's beside the point).

Okay, the sick friend, Serenity wants me to talk about taking care of her. She's a very good friend-better now that I've been giving her injections twice a day (both healthwise and our relationship, lol)-and I think it's really made my life better to have her staying with us. I know it's been really hard for her-she can't walk very well and can't leave the house w/o LOTS of help-but she is the BEST patient one could ever ask for. Now I know why her room at the hospital became the nurses' hangout. Dry skin and atrophied limbs, shiiiit I'm a Santa Novella :-P.

School is stressful...not a whole lot more to say about that.

Umm...something baaaad happened while I was writing this: Serenity was asking Gedi why Taiwan and Tibet couldn't be free, and Gedi started spouting the party line! I mean, the PARTY LINE! And he ended his whole speech by saying (not sarcastically) "And THEN the people in the West will be HAPPY!"
OI VEY.
THIS is why we don't talk politics in our home. Ugh. And we study the same field! I mean, this is the guy who talks endlessly about "his" Mongolian people, yadayada...
OI VEY. AGAIN.
I GOTTA GO.
GEDI HAS CHANGED HIS MAJOR-AGAIN. AND HE'S EXPECTING MY ENTIRE LIFE TO GO WITH IT. WAIT. There's a bottle of shitty wine in the fridge.
peace.